Pure Woman of God

*Gasping for air* 

“Will he let me go? Will he kill me? “

~~~~~~~

It all began my sophomore year of high school where sports and other extra curricular activities had been the center of my life. 

Home games, UIL competitions, track meets, friends, all of it. It was my life. 

But after struggling with loosing my virginity, I was  so broken and ashamed from what had happened to me that I tried my best to mask the pain. 

It just so happened that I would mask it by chasing after a new guy that just had moved into town. 

After befriending him and inviting him to a high school football game that Friday night, we got close fast. 

This kickstarted our relationship and I became his girlfriend. 

“A boyfriend!!” I thought!  “My first ever real boyfriend!!” 

Almost immediately we became inseparable.

Not a day went by where we weren’t spending time together. 

It was everything I thought a relationship was “supposed” to look like. 

Nice things, new jewelry, shoes, holding hands, kissing, you name it. He spoiled me. 

All of it was nice when it happened! But his kind gestures and gifts didn’t matter at the end of the day. 

Slowly but surely, our time spent together revealed our true colors. 

Months after being together, things started to change. 

As we entered into month 4, our boundaries with each other got crossed. 

And unfortunately, when he would violate my boundaries, it broke my heart and made me sad. Left me feeling unworthy. 

But the boundaries I crossed.. well let’s just say,  led him into anger. 

One day, I was playing around with him and kept egging on the situation. At the time, I never saw the harm in what I was doing. And even though the boundary I crossed felt small and harmless to me, it could have been huge for him. He got angry and injured me for the first time ever. 

It really hurt my feelings. And I’d wish he would have just walked away from me to gather himself before he just reacted. 

But since it was his first time laying hands on me, I let it go and blamed myself.

About 2 years into our relationship, there was this girl he had cheated on me with for a while on and off. 

The day after my granny’s funeral I caught him talking to her again. 

He told me they were just “friends” (which I’ve heard many times before) and that it wasn’t like that anymore. 

I won’t give you all the details but I told him to leave. 

He pleaded with me and insisted to stay. 

After realizing he wasn’t going to leave, I gently unplugged his Xbox and put it outside the door to my room. 

My room was located in the back of the house. Secluded from every other room and almost sound proof. 

So much so, that if you were gathered in the living room full of your family members, not one of them could hear a baby cry. 

The next thing I know is that I was on the floor of my closet. My back against his chest as every muscle in his right arm pressed against my throat.

I could feel his anger running through his body as if I could hear his thoughts in his head. Every single inch of him raging for some sort of control. “You are not leaving me”.

His strength… so forceful and overpowering.. it felt impossible to overcome.

I tried to tell him I wouldn’t leave him.. that I’de stay. Because I knew that’s all he wanted to hear . And that if I could get the words out to tell him, he might let go. But he had me so tightly that I couldn’t even form a word out of my mouth. 

And that’s what made me afraid. 

You see my words usually eased him when he would get in these kinds of episodes. But because I couldn’t speak, that meant my voice couldn’t affirm. Which meant I couldn’t give him peace. 

This is when I remembered thinking, “will he actually do it? Will he kill me?” 

My heart started to race. I need him to let me go. 

I thought about biting him, and immediately I felt fear because he’d most likely break my jaw with his arm. I know this because he’s almost done it before.

My body was loose but I couldn’t turn because he had my neck so tightly. I couldn’t hit him, punch him or do anything to protect myself because it would have made him angrier. 

There wasn’t anything I could do at this point but have faith that he’ll let go. So I started to relax my body. Maybe just maybe if I stopped struggling, he’ll be afraid that I’de die and come back to his senses. 

As I surrendered, I gently tapped his arm as if I was telling him with my hands “I hear you. I won’t leave.”

That’s when he released me. 

Praise God. 

As a small amount of relief left my breath, my heart was restless.. 

Kailand was crying so hard. 

The house was full of family gathering to mourn my granny. How is it that no one in the house heard him screaming??

I remember as he was holding me down, I hoped that someone would hear him and knock on the door. But it never happened. 

Kailands cry sounded like he knew what his daddy had done to me.. and that’s when I knew I had to tell someone about this. 

If I didn’t, I could die. 

So I told him to pick up his son and that he had made him cry. 

This is the only option I could think of at the time. I knew he wouldn’t hurt Kailand. So I made the best decision I knew to do. 

As he bent down to pick up our two month old baby, I waited for a second until he was cradled in his arms. 

The moment he was picked up, I ran as fast as I could to the door, unlocked it and ran through the hallway screaming and crying, “he hit me”. 

I remember him putting the baby back down in the crib and chasing after me as if I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. 

I looked at him with tears running down my cheek as everyone was running towards me in panic. It was like slow motion. And he whispered with confusion in his eyes, like I had just turned on him. “You just ruined everything.” As if nothing will ever be the same again. 

No more coming over, no more sleepovers. No more parenting together, no more joining each other for family gatherings. No more doing life the same way together.

The trust was broken and no one would ever see him the same. 

The police were called that day, and I didn’t see him for almost two months after that. 

In that time apart I learned that I could live without him and be okay. That I could start a new chapter of my life. And I felt peace. 

I didn’t know it was God at the time. But now I know that it was. And it was like he was preparing me to make a decision. To let him go.. or to hold on. 

And unfortunately.. I rejected Gods peace and decided to move away with him. 4 hours away from my family, my friends, my future for sports and theater. What once was the center of my life, slowly became not important.. 

The lies in my head were loud. “You’ll never get back on varsity basketball.” “You’ve ruined your life here.” Your friends will never see you the same”. “Everyone hear just looks at you as a failure”

“You might as well leave.”

And I did..

I no longer felt like I belonged in that place, that school, with my friends. Without him, I was nothing. 

It’s sad how the enemy got me like that..

I thought moving away would be different with him. That since we would be near his family, he might feel more comfortable and treat me better. 

But he didn’t. I was brought to my lowest. 

I remember being dragged by the hair out of the his room and being locked out all because I had caught him cheating again. 

I had tried everything I could to satisfy him. To love him. I gave up my life for him.. and it was never enough to be treated with care. 

I found myself wanting to come back home. 

I missed my mom, who had always been there for me. And still loved me despite me putting her through all that pain. 

What kind of person had I turned into..? 

Sadly, we still chose to be together.

We both moved back. 

But God. 

He was doing a work inside me. Leading me to a place of full surrender. 

It was senior year of high school when I finally decided to pick up my Bible and ask the Lord to help me. To make a way for us to leave each other. 

I couldn’t do it anymore and I couldn’t leave him on my own. I needed God to intervene. 

And soon after that, we got into a car accident going towards Dallas. I still don’t know how that car accident happened. I was asleep as he was driving. With oncoming traffic and a busted wheel and window, I can’t believe neither of us got hurt. But God was doing something big. 

That car accident split us apart. He had to stay in Dallas to get his car fixed and I had to go back home for school. 

That’s when I finally ended it. 

He couldn’t manipulate me, control me, force me to stay. No more bruises or tears with how hard he hurt me. 

I was finally free. 

I could breathe again. 

God answered my prayer in the most unexpected way.

After all that, my relationship with God flourished. I wanted to dedicate my entire life to serving him. 

Repenting from my sin. Honoring him with my life.. my body. 

I can’t even believe I’m the girl I am today. 

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” 

God is so faithful.

His plan for me was to always turn back to him. To lead me back to the cross.

To understand why Jesus died for our sin.

My sin caused me to be blind to his plan. And I faced defeat. But that’s where Jesus turned the story around. Because I said “HELP ME LORD”…He said my story isn’t finished yet. He still has a plan, He still has a purpose just for me. Death is no longer apart of my story.

I’m free!

If you’ve read this far, thank you. 

I pray this story can help at least one person. 

Love, 

Madilyn